[PLUG-TALK] Tools explained

Keith Lofstrom keithl at kl-ic.com
Wed Mar 23 13:18:44 PDT 2011

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in
the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner
where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench at the speed of light.   Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about
the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.  Sometimes used in the
creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert
minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence
its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off
bolt heads.  If nothing else is available, they can also be used
to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire.  Also handy for igniting
the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove
a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch
wood projectiles for testing wall integrity and facilitating more 
conversations with the cute emergency room nurse while shortening

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
ground after you have installed your new brake shoes,  trapping
the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more
easily fit into the trash can, after you cut on the inside of
the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used, long ago, to stab the
vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin
oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used,
as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.  Sometimes
used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws
and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A simple tool used to crumple the metal $12 clip/bracket
that you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most
expensive parts, adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents
of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly Well on contents such as seats, vinyl records,
liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund
checks and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while wearing those clothes.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL:  (A personal favorite!)  A universal,
handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage, shop,
hangar, Or driveway, while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the
top of your lungs.  It is also, most often, the next tool
that you will need.  I have many of these, some still out
around our driveway, with one still stuck in the ceiling
insulation of the hangar.


We need a similar list for software tools.

Keith Lofstrom          keithl at keithl.com         Voice (503)-520-1993
KLIC --- Keith Lofstrom Integrated Circuits --- "Your Ideas in Silicon"
Design Contracting in Bipolar and CMOS - Analog, Digital, and Scan ICs

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