[PLUG] Article Proofread

[Peter W]

On Tue, 2002-06-11 at 19:46, D. Cooper Stevenson wrote:
> All;
> 
> I have written an article outlining Linux's capabilities in the server
> room and the desktop.
> 
> I have posted the PDF version and the HTML version here:
> 
>   www.cooper.stevenson.name
> 
> I strongly recommend the PDF version, it is formatted much better.
> 
> Would you proofread this please? Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

Here are a few things I saw.  If there is anything here that I seem
wrong about, I probably am (I suck at writing. ;)).  

All in all, great job!  Things like this could be extremely useful tools
for advocates. ;)


---------------------------------------------------

First: you might want to add a footnote near the beginning explaining
that when you say "Linux" you are really refering to the whole system
(including end user apps) which is sometimes (and "more accuratly")
called "GNU/Linux".  Just say you are calling it Linux for the sake of
brevity.

---------------------------------------------------
Section 2 (Linux TCO):
"...cost is more than offset bye Microsoft's ..."
'bye' s/b 'by'.

Also, below table 1 you say: "Reduced Downtime - Linux reduces cost
through higher reliability."  We all know this is true, but it would be
nice if you had a footnote here pointing doubting readers to a study.
(Sorry I don't have any links to suggest though.)

--------------------------------------------------
Section 4.2 (Email Server):
"This catagory is largely comprised of E-mail and calendar sharing."
Here you mention "calendar sharing", but below in 4.2.2 you mention
"online scheduling".  I now assume those are the same thing(?) but at
first I was confused that "calendar sharing" didn't appear in 4.2.2.   

--------------------------------------------------
Section 4.3 (Web Server):
"Modules such as server-side scripting is installed with a minimum of
hassle." Perhaps this should be "Modules such as server-side scripting
may be installed with a minimum of hassle."
(change "is" to "may be".)

--------------------------------------------------
Section 5 (Linux on the Desktop):
At the bottom of the first paragraph you say, "In fact, entire windowing
systems can be exported from the server".  This is a little confusing I
think.  I think that what is meant is that the system (server, client,
network) can be set up in such a way that all of the applications and
the desktop environment itself is actually running on the server but
just being displayed on the client; but by using the term "entire
windowing system" I am not sure what that means.  Perhaps a better term
would be "entire graphical environment"?

--------------------------------------------------
Section 5.1.1 (StarOffice):
"uses XML file formats so that it's documents can be read across
multiple operating systems"

shouldn't that "it's" be "its"?  

--------------------------------------------------
Section 5.1.2 (OpenOffice):
"...OpenOffice shares many of the features of StarOffice, including
cross-platform document handling including Microsoft Office."
The use of "including" twice is a bit confusing, and maybe "Microsoft
Office" should say "Microsoft Office files".  

So perhaps:
"...OpenOffice shares many of the features of StarOffice, including
cross-platform document handling and the ability to read Microsoft
Office files."

--------------------------------------------------
Section 5.2.1 (Mozilla):
"Mozilla was written from scratch shortly after Netscape released the
source code for its browser."

But Mozilla has at least some code from Netscape Navigator - I believe
that it is only the page rendering engine that was re-written.  Also,
under 5.2 (Internet Apps) it says "Several full-featured Web
browsers..."; maybe the Mozilla sentance should read:

"Mozilla is one of the web browsers available for Linux ^15.5. It is
based on the Netscape Navigator code, although part of its core program
was rewritten in order to fix problems that Netscape was unable to. 
Mozilla features..."

15.5: Mozilla is also available for the Windows and Apple platforms. See
www.mozilla.org.

--------------------------------------------------
Section 5.2.2 (Evolution):

"...ability to run the application remotely..." This seems to be covered
in the first paragraph of Section 5 - maybe you should say "remember
that there is...ability to run the application remotely..." or something
to that effect?

--------------------------------------------------
Section 5.3.1 (CodeWeavers):
"CodeWeavers is an application that allows you..."
might more truthfully read:
"The CodeWeavers company offers applications which allow you..."

then later,
"Other CodeWeavers crossover applications include QuickTime, ShockWave,
Windows Media Player, and others."
could say:
"CodeWeavers also offers Crossover Plugin, supporting applications such
as QuickTime, ShockWave, Windows Media Player, and others."

--------------------------------------------------
Section 5.3.2 (VMWare):

" VMWare is a hardware emulator for the x86 based PC hardware. After you
install VMWare on your computer, clicking VMWare's icon will open a
window showing the memory count of the virtual machine. In effect,
VMWare emulates your computers' hardware. It is a platform to install an
operating system. It is like having a computer inside of a computer."

1) redundancy: "VMWare is a hardware emulator" and "VMWare emulates your
computers' hardware" (+ "computers'" s/b "computer's" maybe?)

2) In the second sentance, "window showing the memory count...": I'm not
sure what this means... maybe it should say "window showing another
Operating System running"?

3) "It is a platform to install an [OS]"... not sure exactly what is
meant here either. Maybe this is combined with the "window showing
memory count" so we have "A window opens, showing the 'computer' booting
up.  At this point, you can install another operating system on the
virtual computer"? Oh.  Judging from the following paragraph, I think
this is what is meant.  Maybe it'll all make more sense after #1 is
fixed. ;)

--------------------------------------------------
Section 6 (Open Source Advantage):

(3rd paragraph):
"It is not necessary under some circumstances to release your in-house
modifications to the rest of the world. You may find this useful if your
business climate is highly competitive. The Gnu Protection Liscence
(GPL)   (the governing license of most Open Source  code) states that
modifications made to applications covered under the GPL need to be
re-distributed only if that company distributes the code. "

"Gnu Protection License" s/b "GNU General Public License". 
Last sentance could be: "...modifications made to applications covered
under the GPL need to be re-distributed only if the modified application
is distributed."

--------------------------------------------------



>Finally, this article is free for your use. Consider it GPL'd as long
as
>I am given credit for the work.

Perhaps you could copyright this document under either the GNU FDL or
OpenContent Licence. See:

http://www.gnu.org/licenses/fdl.html
http://opencontent.org/openpub/

I'm not exactly sure how it works, but you could include the doc's
license in "Appendix A" or something. (I am interested in this because I
like your document a lot and would be interested in modifying it to have
a "school focused" version of it.

Thanks,

~Peter